This article is my response to an email I received. This one article will contain the entire conversation I had with a man who struggles with lust. If you personally struggle with lust, may this article help you overcome your struggle and find freedom in Christ. Amen.
“Hey Pastor Trent!
You have been SO helpful in answering a lot of my hardest questions towards God or my own faith and walk with Him, and I would love for you to give me Biblical but also personal perspective and experience on this one:
Lust. I feel like I’ve been set up to fail.
See, before coming to Christ, I was HEAVILY addicted to pornography, masturbation, fornication, and lusting after women. BUT, on the day I gave my life to our Lord, I COMPLETELY STOPPED masturbating, watching pornography, fornicating (or attempting to). PRAISE GOD! Boom, in a snap, POOF! Gone.
BUT…
The struggle to still look unto women remains. Outside of the most brought-up reason as to why it’s a struggle for me, like “lust and fornication are extremely advertised and encouraged in today’s society” (which is true), there’s an internal battle and question in me:
“How do I know when I’m lusting, or just looking at a woman who I find attractive?”
See, I’ve heard that lusting is when you look at a woman and imagine her sexually in some way in your mind. Others say it’s looking at her body, and so on. So I feel tossed and turned on this subject and it torments me day and night. It’s gotten so bad, that I have to flee visionally or physically away from a woman or a place where women are (which is basically anywhere) just because I fear lusting.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, what is allowed and isn’t? Can I be attracted to a woman and her physique? Her face? I know being attracted to women isn’t the sin. Quite the opposite, I think if I wasn’t attracted to them, THAT would be a problem HAHA! But ugh, I just don’t understand. And as for the title of this very email, it just makes me feel set up.
Sometimes, in frustration and disappointment, I tell Jesus “Lord, why did you have to set the bar even higher…?” Because it’s like, MAN! How can a young man who’s single NOT want to look at pretty girls? I don’t know. It just feels so complicated and impossible this one commandment. Especially, in again, a time where life revolves around it so much for the young man.
I know the beautiful, wholesome, and loving reason as to why Jesus doesn’t want us to lust. Because how can a loving God ever want us to objectify and sexualize another human being? And so, I feel like a jerk. And it’s not necessarily that I want to be like “this is an object of my sexual pleasure, not a woman” I just want to be able to find a woman attractive and not feel like I murdered someone in my heart. Some days, I come home and I just feel so dirty, and like a traitor and it just leaves me burned out and numb.
Any advice, biblical and personal, would be appreciated. God bless you pastor. This email program you have so graciously provided for your brothers and sisters is a blessing to me. Praise God!”
–Kevin
Kevin! Thank you for the email!
First and foremost, I want to thank you for being transparent and vulnerable with me. Transparency allows me to see within, but your vulnerability allows me to come inside and communicate with you about what I see. It takes courage for you to do that and so I thank you for granting me access into this private area of your life. Second, I want to tell you that I completely understand where you’re coming from. Personally. I’m 38 years of age and I’m still single. My sex drive is less than when I was in my 20’s and so it is a little easier for me now than it had been in the past to battle against my sexual desires, but the struggle is still real nonetheless. And third, I want to level the playing field by humbling myself. For this response, I am not writing to you as a pastor to a parishioner, but as a brother to a brother. I am not greater than you in this area of struggle. So, it is my hope that this conversation between us can be helpful and healing for both of us. It is because of your question that I will be able to confess my sin and constant struggle. But through all of this, may GOD help us to grow and walk in righteousness.
Many scholars would agree that a sinful lust can be defined as a desire for something that GOD has forbidden. So, in this sense, it doesn’t even necessarily have to be our physical attraction to women. After all, greed is lust for money and/or power. Eve lusted after the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. But this is why many people now relate private parts and sexual pleasure with “forbidden fruit.” And because the topic you desire to discuss is lust in relation to women, I’ll keep my response to that specific area of lust.
GOD gave us the hardwired brain which enables us to find women attractive and desirable. This desire is good, right, and in alignment with GOD’s original design. GOD declared it was good for us to be fruitful and multiply (done in the right way, of course, within the confines of marriage). And of course, some brains are cross-wired (homosexuality) due to the fall. So, it’s not a bad thing that we find women attractive. In fact, it’s not even a bad thing that we recognize physical beauty when we look at women. The question we must ask ourselves is “at what point do I cross the line from recognizing and appreciating physical beauty to actively seeking after that which is forbidden or not mine to seek after?”
A perfect example of this, of course, can be seen with David and Bathsheba. Let’s briefly examine this documented event:
(2Samuel 11:1-5)
“1 Then it happened in the spring, at the time when kings go out to battle, that David sent Joab and his servants with him and all Israel, and they destroyed the sons of Ammon and besieged Rabbah. But David stayed at Jerusalem. 2 Now when evening came David arose from his bed and walked around on the roof of the king’s house, and from the roof he saw a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful in appearance. 3 So David sent and inquired about the woman. And one said, “Is this not Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?” 4 David sent messengers and took her, and when she came to him, he lay with her; and when she had purified herself from her uncleanness, she returned to her house. 5 The woman conceived; and she sent and told David, and said, ‘I am pregnant.’ ”
I colored some key phrases in red in order to highlight specific talking points. Just in this short passage of a mere five verses, there is a lot to learn! GOD inspired this to be written in the Bible so that we may learn from David’s mistake and refrain from making this same mistake. This is what lust is and this is what lust does to those who pursue lustful thoughts. In those days, kings led their armies into battle; they did not stay at home while their armies went to war. Up to this point in the story, David had always led his armies in battle; however, on that day, David decided to abandon his duty and purpose by staying home. So, already, it is evident that David was not where he was supposed to have been. So when David decided to walk around on his rooftop, taking in the wonderful scenic view, some of his men were on their way to death. It is at this point in the story that David sees Bathsheba bathing. David saw this woman and he was attracted to her. However, it was at that point that he should have recognized that he was lusting after that which was not his to lust after. After all, David already had multiple wives. Did he need one more? No. In fact, David’s multiple wives caused him to be callous to sexual sin. David allowing himself to have multiple wives also caused him much grief throughout his lifetime. And as we later read, David’s sin with Bathsheba led to the death of his baby son and a host of other deadly occurrences such as rape and murder within his own family. In fact, 2Samuel 13 recounts the tragic story of lustful thoughts turning to wicked actions. King David’s son, Amnon, became obsessed with his half-sister, Tamar. Because he did not get rid of his lustful thoughts, they consumed him until he committed the horrific act of raping her. After his lustful appetite was satisfied, he no longer cared what happened to Tamar, and he discarded her like a piece of garbage (13:15). Lust causes a person to care only about satisfying his/her urges; the lust-filled individual cares nothing about the people who will be hurt by his/her actions. A lustful thought must be seen as the enemy it is before it takes over our lives.
When David saw Bathsheba, he lusted after her. He could have merely recognized and appreciated her physical beauty and then turned away in repentance in order to seek GOD’s will in the matter, but he pursued his lustful desires instead. This is the line. Pursuit. And because David pursued his lustful desire, he sent his messengers to inquire about Bathsheba. The messengers came back and informed David that she was Uriah’s wife. This was another checkpoint and another “do not cross” line that GOD set up. After all, it was clearly commanded by GOD in Exodus 20:14 that “You shall not commit adultery” as well as Exodus 20:17 that “you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.” But David again decided to pursue his lust, disregarded the fact that she was another man’s wife, and he had her brought to him. But even after she was brought to him, he had yet another “do not cross” line. Just because she was there in his presence did not mean he had to go through with his plan to fulfill his sinful sexual desire with her. It wasn’t too late. David could have repented right there and sought to come back into alignment with GOD’s will. But David broke through that final barrier and sinned. And so David was where he was never supposed to be, focused on his own desires, disregarded GOD’s “do not cross” lines, and chose not to flee from temptation. There’s two important Scriptures that help us understand this scenario better.
(James 1:13-15)
“13 Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am being tempted by God’; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. 14 But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. 15 Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.”
(1Corinthians 10:12-13)
“12 Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall. 13 No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.”
So, first and foremost, we must ensure that we are not where we should not be. Obviously, this means we should not find ourselves in strip clubs or looking at pornography in private. Some situations will require discernment. For example, if you find yourself in a situation when another man’s wife invites you to have sex with her, it’s obvious we must flee from there just as Joseph had done (Genesis 39:11-12). But, you may find yourself in a situation where you end up alone with a women in her room or your room. At first, any scenario between you and another woman can begin innocent enough, but discernment will be required in order to know when the situation has lost its pure motives. There is always a line we should not cross. The difficulty is in recognizing that line while our fleshly bodies are being persuaded by emotions and sexual desires. Again, these desires are right— they’re not wrong. But these desires need to be fulfilled only with a spouse. But merely seeing and recognizing physical beauty isn’t wrong; rather, the problem comes when we cross the line of right/wrong and decide to pursue our lustful desires rather than flee from temptation.
To flee temptation, we need to ask GOD in earnest prayer to help us stay away from scenarios that would bring us into temptation, for the discernment to recognize the “do not cross” line, the wisdom to recognize the escape route, and the strength to take the escape route and flee when we should flee. Memorizing and meditating on GOD’s Word will help us to do all of this. The Holy Spirit will remind you of specific Scripture when you need it, but the Holy Spirit cannot remind you of what is not yet within you. So, it is of utmost importance that GOD’s Word fills us daily. This is why GOD’s Word is our Daily Bread. However, even when the Holy Spirit reminds us of specific words, we must be open to receiving the Holy Spirit’s conviction. It is much better to be convicted prior to sinning rather than being corrected after sinning. I speak from personal experience (which I will share with you soon enough).
At the root of most temptation is a real need or desire that GOD can fill, but we must trust in His timing. Too often we are seeking to fulfill right desires in the wrong ways. We sometimes fulfill natural needs in unnatural ways. And finally, we must have accountability. This is a must! It’s just a simple fact that we are stronger together. This very writing is an example of accountability and the wisdom of Proverbs 27:17 of how believers can sharpen each other. You confided in me about your struggle. In turn, I have provided you with some wisdom GOD has given to me, which is a much needed different perspective than you could do on your own. Likewise, I’m about to confess to you and it will be your brotherly love that will help me heal.
I want to preface this confession with the fact that I haven’t shared this with anyone since the day it happened. But as it is written in James 5:16, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” Also, it is written in 1John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
In 2002, I dated a Christian girl when I had been an atheist. I was with her for one year exactly. I planned on marrying her, but she died on the very day of our anniversary date (11/03/03), which happened to be two days after my birthday (11/01). We were both 21 years of age when she died. It’s a long story that can be read in my testimony, but this devastating loss launched me on my quest for Truth and I ended up confessing Christ Jesus as Lord and Savior after He revealed Himself to me through five supernatural events spanned over a 12-month period of time. For a long time after her death, I never dated anyone because I could never get over her.
But eventually, about two years later (around 2005), I allowed myself to open up and not shut everyone out. It was at that time I met another girl. The problem was that she wasn’t Christian. This girl and I had a love/hate relationship with each other for many years but we never dated. After a lot of time spent with her, she eventually professed to being a Christian and even got baptized. But because of our weird relationship with each other (so close to each other yet never dating), we eventually went our own separate ways around 2010. A couple years went by without us talking. But after about two years, she came back into my life. She flew out from Oregon to see me where I lived in Alabama and we spent quite a few days together. Our feelings for each other rekindled. She somehow convinced me that she came to the conclusion that she should have always been with me and that she had always compared every guy to me. Over those days we spent together, we even talked about marriage. And at the end of 2012 (New Year’s Eve), which became New Year’s Day of 2013 (before I ever attended Bible College & Seminary), I sinned due to one mere moment of weakness. Things went too far for us that night and I gave my virginity to her that night/morning (technically on 1/01/13). Why? It was most likely because I had been single and lonely so long and I believed her when she talked about us getting married. Due to about seven years of tension and history between us, I gave her my virginity at the age of 31. It was quick, disappointing, and I felt regret. I had saved my virginity for my future wife all the way up until then. 31 years. I fought for my sexual purity for 31 years and then lost it due one moment of weakness. That’s all it took. But like David, I was not where I was supposed to have been or doing the things I should have been doing. I didn’t ask for accountability. I allowed her to sleep in my apartment. I said yes when she asked me to sleep in bed with her when I should have slept on the couch, etc. And afterwards, I knew it was wrong because she was not my wife. But I tried to justify my sin by telling myself that she was going to be my wife. It was a huge mistake.
After that girl got what she wanted, she told me she was flying back home and she was going to marry some other guy. I was completely devastated. Not only would we not be together, but I gave her my virginity (which belonged to my wife) and she was not going to be my wife. One moment of weakness brought me a couple years of pain in my heart because I had a hard time forgiving myself. I even felt like I didn’t deserve a wife after that because I gave that girl what belonged to my wife. But GOD eventually helped me heal. Two years later, in 2015, at the age of 33, I completely dedicated my entire life to serving the Lord in ministry and I started Bible College & Seminary. I’m currently 38 years of age and I have graduated Bible College & Seminary. But that one sinful experience will always be a part of my history. I had always been a slow learner, but I have now learned. I am happy to inform you that ever since 2015, I have conquered the pornography addiction, I’ve been celibate, and I have lived righteously to the best of my ability according the GOD’s Word.
However, I further confess that I still struggle with lustful thoughts and masturbation to this very day. For me, I am annoyed by my sex drive and I often vent my frustration in prayer to GOD. I have asked GOD why He had to take away the girl I truly wanted to marry the first time, and why I have always been met with rejection/denial from females ever since then. Why even give me this sex drive if I’m not to have a wife to fulfill this with? GOD has been silent regarding His specific answer to this question, but the Holy Spirit often reminds me of 2Corinthians 12:7-10:
“7 Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! 8 Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. 9 And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”
However, it is my heart’s desire and my constant prayer that when I do have lustful thoughts, that GOD reveals the escape route to me and gives me courage to flee from temptation. But we must not pray for GOD to provide us with an escape if we are unwilling to take that escape. It is my desire to never pursue my lustful thoughts and allow it to transform into a sinful action. And this is why we must take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ (2Corinthians 10:5)! While we are not responsible for every thought that enters our heads, we are responsible for what we do with those thoughts. We can replace lustful thoughts if we abide by Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”
Someone once helped me by telling me that if the lustful thoughts we are trying to get rid of involve another person, we can defuse the power of that lustful thought by turning that thought into a prayer for the other person’s well-being. By bringing that person before the Lord, we weaken the power of that lustful thought and we will be less likely to objectify him/her. We must recognize each person’s value as a creation of GOD and remember that GOD has higher plans for him/her that do not include us. When we bring our will into agreement with GOD’s will, we learn to see this person as GOD does, not as a lustful being would.
And finally, in Matthew 15:11-20, Jesus told us that what we allow within us affects what comes out from us. Jesus concluded in 15:19 by saying, “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders.” Therefore, if we get our hearts and thoughts right, our actions should come into alignment with GOD’s will.
So, when you tell me that you feel like you’ve been set up to fail, I completely understand how you feel. But we both need to realize that feelings don’t determine facts and desires should never determine our direction. The Truth is that our innate sexual desire toward females is technically a good thing given to us by GOD. However, GOD was very clear in that these desires should only be fulfilled between husband and wife. And as Paul said in 1Corinthians 7:9, “But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” I cannot speak for you, but I believe GOD has called me to a life of singleness just as GOD called Jeremiah to a life of singleness (Jeremiah 16:1-2). Why? I don’t know. But I know GOD gives me the strength to do it. And as Paul said in 1Corinthians 7:17, “Only, as the Lord has assigned to each one, as God has called each, in this manner let him walk.” And the Holy Spirit keeps reminding me of what is written in 1Corinthians 7:32-34: “But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; 33 but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided.”
So, did GOD set us up to fail? In a way, yes— He did. But it’s not necessarily the bad thing many perceive it to be. Why not? It reveals our weakness and that we need GOD. Also, you need to understand that GOD also set us up for success. How so? Because we’re not saved by works, but by grace through faith. So, do we fail to live completely righteous lives all the time? Yes. But did GOD already provide a solution for this? Yes. Faith in Christ’s finished work and trusting Him for our salvation. When you think about it, GOD didn’t really set us up for failure; rather, GOD set us up for an opportunity to celebrate a future victory He gave to us as a gift. Will we struggle in this sinful fallen world? Yes. But is GOD’s grace sufficient for us? Yes. Will this struggle last forever? No. There will come a day when GOD restores everything to the way it should be. Until then, we do our best and allow GOD to do the rest. Amen.
PS— I’d like to collect your thoughts about what I’ve written. And I’d also like to turn our email into an article I can post in order to help others who might be struggling with the same things. So, would you mind if I did this? Of course, I would keep your identity secret. But I think it might help some people. But I’d like to collect your thoughts on this before I do that.
~Pointless Thorns
“Brother, I asked for a coin of wisdom, and you gave me a whole chest. I thank the Lord for you and the way you along with His wisdom, almost flawlessly always answer me and my questions and struggles. Thank you so much.
Before I get into my response, yes you may use it. Use it so that others may find hope and light in this matter through our experiences and they may glorify God.
I’m so sorry with what happened to you and the girl you held dearly. That, and what happened with the other. I hope the Lord gives you the ability to find forgiveness in your heart towards her if He hasn’t done so already.
A lot of times, things that we cannot understand are allowed to happen so as to grow in anything that will keep us close to Him, or to steer us in the right direction. And because we are finite, we cannot know the benefit of such trials until we reach the point in our lives (or deaths) where we will understand and see the value that the pain we carried had all along. I will keep you in my prayers. I am honored that you decided to confess to me such a heavy thing on your heart when all we have is a few emails from one another. But glory be to God because through Him, our bond is far beyond blood and relationship. And so, things like this are possible. I have faith you are forgiven by our gracious Father in Heaven brother. Do NOT let the devil walk you in shame and condemnation. It’s time to move forward with the Lord.
I know what it’s like … To be very honest, I don’t know why God even bothers to love me and help me with lust the way He has so far. If I may also confess, I was someone who left the faith when I was 15-16 (I am 25 now and returned to the faith not even a year ago) to follow sexual passions. There would be times where I would masturbate and feel such a tight grip on my chest as I felt the Lord give me the conviction to stop, and I would drown it out for the sake of my pleasure. How can this God take me back with open arms after doing that? After WHOLEHEARTEDLY choosing my sexual pleasure over Him? But He is righteous and merciful. Also, during those years, I relentlessly pursued sexual immorality. Glory to God, the day He took me back, in a SNAP, YEARS AND YEARS of masturbation and pornography addiction where gone. But a wicked root still remains. So there is still struggle. A times, when I fail I often just cry and say I deserve this thorn in my side. That I deserve to be tormented every single time a girl crosses my eyesight. That I deserve to be tormented by uncomfortable feelings just because I’m hanging around women or friends and family members that of the female gender. I let my perversion get the best of me all those years, and now here I am. I am afraid to look at women, I am afraid to find them attractive, so much so that I violently walk away from any or feel guilty and beat myself over having any sort of attraction to their looks.
The last question I would have that I hope you are so kind to re-explain or elaborate more on, is:
So it’s ok to look at women and their bodies and find them attractive? I just feel bad in doing so. Or is lust looking at one, finding them appealing, and doing something wicked in response to that? Because all I ever do is just look.”
–Kevin
First and foremost, praise GOD for your deliverance and your newfound freedom! May you always walk in this freedom!
But it seems you and I share in our struggle the battle between conviction and condemnation. But you and I both know that GOD convicts us of our sin but Satan tries to condemn us because of it. Satan is the accuser and Jesus is the Mediator on our behalf. Don’t listen to the lies of the devil. Who does GOD say you are? Let us walk in righteousness and be who GOD says we are!
Your main concern is as you have written: “So it’s ok to look at women and their bodies and find them attractive? I just feel bad in doing so. Or is lust looking at one, finding them appealing, and doing something wicked in response to that? Because all I ever do is just look.”
I believe you and I both know and understand the difference and where the line of right/wrong exists. Are we merely looking? You will know when you go beyond merely looking at a girl and appreciating her physical beauty. Obviously, we cross the line if we begin to undress her with our eyes, picture her naked, or intentionally pursue sexual fantasies about her. Now those thoughts might begin to form in our minds while looking at them, but that doesn’t mean we have to pursue those thoughts and allow them to grow into a problem. Our natural attraction to those girls doesn’t need to turn into sinful actions such as masturbating while pursuing sexual fantasies about those girls. Neither do we need to pursue our lust and literally have sex with them even if they give us consent to do so. Until a woman is your wife, the concealed areas of her body is off limits; they are concealed for a reason.
However, this does not mean that you can’t pursue a girl for a potential relationship. This does not mean we shouldn’t be attracted to girls. We can find girls attractive. We can even pursue girls in order to date them. However, what we must always possess in the forefront of our minds is that if the woman is not going to be your wife, she is in fact your sister in Christ and she will probably be another man’s wife. The key in all of this is to recognize where the “do not cross” lines exist. And once we understand where our boundaries are, we should commit ourselves to staying within those boundaries. So, in conclusion, I believe that looking at females and appreciating their physical beauty is not wrong. I believe the sin starts when we pursue lust and allow our thoughts to transform into wrong actions. And so we do not need to avoid interaction with females. Instead, we need to practice self-control and commit ourselves to pursue pure thoughts about them while we bring them before the Lord in prayer. If we truly love their souls (not merely lust after their bodies), we will desire what is best and what is right for them. So, even while we are actively pursuing women of interest, it is in our best interest to pray for their best interest. And if you pursue a woman the right way and she becomes your wife, then you will have freedom to experience the beauty of a covenant relationship and the sexual pleasure which accompanies it. Stay strong. Remain in the Lord.
~Pointless Thorns
“Gotcha. Thanks again, Pastor Trent! This has been so helpful. I just double-make sure because I literally hate freaking JUST because a woman crosses into my eyesight. And you are right! Thanks for the wisdom, and glory be to God for you and your ministry. I’ll be praying for you brother. “
–Kevin
Conclusion:
If you struggle with pornography, please read my other article: Pornography: The Pervasive Plague
Quest For Truth 